I've been looking into ADHD a LOT recently and I feel I've come to it LATE (I'm 58! I know, old lady, right?) I've been on and off anti-depressants since I was 19 and a lot of the time I've known they weren't doing anything for me other than tamp down my emotions. I've suffered (even saying 'suffered' sounds weird because I've always put this down to my weird personality or whatever) from procrastination (still do) and poor memory retention, for e.g. I can be speaking to my daughter about something then all of a sudden she'll ask me something about what we're talking about and I can't tell her (she says I 'zone out') I put off housework chores as though I'm going to be judged on it and I've always put this down to my mother being highly critical of everything I did, so I'm just chore-averse or something; or plain lazy (I've been convinced I'm lazy most my life - and that's a LONG time to beat yourself up about it). My emotions are off the scale; either I'm completely floating on a high with tears of joy or I'm sobbing in a corner, or I'm snappy and bitchy as hell. I've had so many jobs I've lost count and a lot of them I really had no idea what I was doing in them. I remember full IN trays, and empty OUT trays and filing piled up so high I think I walked out of the job because I was scared of not knowing where to put things. I've had so many relationships (2 failed marriages) and lost so many 'friends' because they don't understand me (or I don't think they do) and feel as though everything/everyone around me is doing things right and I'm getting it wrong. Constantly. I'm going to watch 'Take Your Pills' - sorry I've rambled on for so long, I'm glad I found your blog and will follow with interest x
OMG. I feel so seen reading this. I’m so sure I have undiagnosed ADHD with many of the symptoms you described, plus constantly losing things throughout my entire life, experiencing severe rejection sensitivity, having difficulty keeping a job. I have excelled academically thanks to compensatory behaviors and good social skills, and I am now a doctoral student in clinical psychology. That’s how I realized I had it! I can write a mean research paper and do well school
Overall thanks to being a field that teaches more with writing than with direct tests. I keep a near 4.0 due to ability to take time and “beat around the bush” to get to my point in papers. When I have an exam that’s multiple choice I always bomb every time because my detailed information retention is so low! I grasp overall concepts and struggle with the logistics, or the opposite clinically where I attune well to clients but my brain struggles to conceptualize their case which severely impacts my ability to provide treatment! Unfortunately I just moved for this program in Aug and I went to a new PCP (or GP whatever) and when talking with him about just general first appt things I also expressed my desire to be formally assessed for ADHD. He accused me of seeking adderall and told me it may be more beneficial to lose weight (that which he prescribed me a DIET FUCKING PILL). I explained that I am not seeking any kind of stimulant drug, that not everyone with ADHD even needs medication, I just want to be assessed to have an answer and to be in treatment! It felt so disheartening to be accused of manipulating the system and seeking drugs when I was just trying to be heard! I am struggling to feel confident to find a new physician and to see what the assessment process is like if I can ever get referred! I feel like I am so close to no longer having just “potential” and will be able to start a dissertation and last in a job rather than constantly put it off and job hop/return to school due to familiarity!! So sorry to vent via comment! I realize I usually scrutinize the folks who over share to folks they don’t know on public platforms! But I read your blog and had tears on my eyes! I was so happy to see that you were able to advocate for yourself and ultimately get the care you knew you needed!
oh, I meant to say that until the menopause I always put my shitty personality down to the time of the month. One guy I worked with once (decades ago) accused me of being on drugs because I was all over the place. I wasn't. I smoked (tobacco) and drank (to excess, but hey ho)
I've been looking into ADHD a LOT recently and I feel I've come to it LATE (I'm 58! I know, old lady, right?) I've been on and off anti-depressants since I was 19 and a lot of the time I've known they weren't doing anything for me other than tamp down my emotions. I've suffered (even saying 'suffered' sounds weird because I've always put this down to my weird personality or whatever) from procrastination (still do) and poor memory retention, for e.g. I can be speaking to my daughter about something then all of a sudden she'll ask me something about what we're talking about and I can't tell her (she says I 'zone out') I put off housework chores as though I'm going to be judged on it and I've always put this down to my mother being highly critical of everything I did, so I'm just chore-averse or something; or plain lazy (I've been convinced I'm lazy most my life - and that's a LONG time to beat yourself up about it). My emotions are off the scale; either I'm completely floating on a high with tears of joy or I'm sobbing in a corner, or I'm snappy and bitchy as hell. I've had so many jobs I've lost count and a lot of them I really had no idea what I was doing in them. I remember full IN trays, and empty OUT trays and filing piled up so high I think I walked out of the job because I was scared of not knowing where to put things. I've had so many relationships (2 failed marriages) and lost so many 'friends' because they don't understand me (or I don't think they do) and feel as though everything/everyone around me is doing things right and I'm getting it wrong. Constantly. I'm going to watch 'Take Your Pills' - sorry I've rambled on for so long, I'm glad I found your blog and will follow with interest x
OMG. I feel so seen reading this. I’m so sure I have undiagnosed ADHD with many of the symptoms you described, plus constantly losing things throughout my entire life, experiencing severe rejection sensitivity, having difficulty keeping a job. I have excelled academically thanks to compensatory behaviors and good social skills, and I am now a doctoral student in clinical psychology. That’s how I realized I had it! I can write a mean research paper and do well school
Overall thanks to being a field that teaches more with writing than with direct tests. I keep a near 4.0 due to ability to take time and “beat around the bush” to get to my point in papers. When I have an exam that’s multiple choice I always bomb every time because my detailed information retention is so low! I grasp overall concepts and struggle with the logistics, or the opposite clinically where I attune well to clients but my brain struggles to conceptualize their case which severely impacts my ability to provide treatment! Unfortunately I just moved for this program in Aug and I went to a new PCP (or GP whatever) and when talking with him about just general first appt things I also expressed my desire to be formally assessed for ADHD. He accused me of seeking adderall and told me it may be more beneficial to lose weight (that which he prescribed me a DIET FUCKING PILL). I explained that I am not seeking any kind of stimulant drug, that not everyone with ADHD even needs medication, I just want to be assessed to have an answer and to be in treatment! It felt so disheartening to be accused of manipulating the system and seeking drugs when I was just trying to be heard! I am struggling to feel confident to find a new physician and to see what the assessment process is like if I can ever get referred! I feel like I am so close to no longer having just “potential” and will be able to start a dissertation and last in a job rather than constantly put it off and job hop/return to school due to familiarity!! So sorry to vent via comment! I realize I usually scrutinize the folks who over share to folks they don’t know on public platforms! But I read your blog and had tears on my eyes! I was so happy to see that you were able to advocate for yourself and ultimately get the care you knew you needed!
oh, I meant to say that until the menopause I always put my shitty personality down to the time of the month. One guy I worked with once (decades ago) accused me of being on drugs because I was all over the place. I wasn't. I smoked (tobacco) and drank (to excess, but hey ho)